Nope. My tongue can never actually voice what I want to say. And when I don't want it to say anything...WORD VOMIT! All over everything. And then I say embarrassing things to people, including boys that I like. In all almost 20 years of my life, my tongue has never done me any service when it comes to conversation.
Because I am cognizant that my tongue is handicapped, I just run from situations where I might not be able to voice what I want to say. Yup. That can mean avoiding people for years! By the way, this is not a tactic that I recommend. I actually think part of that is being too nice. Too nice? Yup. Weird. But true. It's like I dance around most people's feelings, but by doing that I just end up hurting them more in the end.
For example, I've always been nervous about telling my family about who I'm dating. Always. For no good reason, either. I think I rationalize it to myself, by saying that I'm trying to protect my family in case they don't like them or some-other "I don't want to hurt their feelings" excuse...anyway...I had brought a boy over to meet my sister, but never officially announced that we were dating. On a roadtrip where he, my sister, and a friend dropped me off for a job, he told my sister that we were dating! Beyond the fact that it was an obvious breach of trust, it hurt my sister more that I didn't tell her. So by not telling her and trying to save her feelings really ended up hurting her more. Ugh! I guess in the long run, it wasn't so bad. My sister and I are much closer now and I can cry to her about stupid boys! My point is...holding back the full truth and sparing people's feelings=stupid idea. It does not work.
I think the time my tongue is the most loose is when I'm gossiping. It's a difficult vice not to indulge in, especially as a girl. In my apartment, we've made many recent efforts to make our home a brighter space. We even bought full-spectrum light to make it literally brighter. And yet I can't help but feel that if we just kept our tongues in line, we would be much happier. But I guess it's just a side-effect of living with girls.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Prayers and Answers
Random of randoms.
Today was quite possibly the most random day of my life. Walking through Macy's with a can of purple paint. Going on a bus with my roommate and her expired transfer with a table, pillows, clothes, light bulbs, fake flowers, shoes, and just about any other random thing you could hold in your hands...including a table. White trash for certain.
I also saw an old friend today. One that lives in LA and I haven't seen for awhile. It was odd. And we stood making awkward conversation.
"Sometimes when you dream, your dreams come true, And suddenly a day can be so amazing."
Today was opening night for Little Women. If you know me, you may also know that I'm a little crazy...literally. I've seen counselors for awhile. One thing I could never overcome is the hybridity of religion and art in my life. I have a strong testimony of the LDS religion, but my artsy and creative side wants me to constantly rebel and do things that maybe I shouldn't. I've felt that these two parts of my personality can never find a meeting ground. But today they did. As I was calling the hundreds of cues in this pretty intense show, I realized that this experience was the answer to my question many months ago. It wasn't really a prayer, but I did ask it in my heart. For the last few months, I've been working tirelessly on this show. I've had the chance to work with a great director. And she is the answer to my prayers. Through this experience, she taught me that art and religion do go together. They fit. Somehow. It's still a question that I will ponder over for years to come, but at least Laurie has given me some sort of path to follow in that regards. I can make those two worlds blend. And the more I do art, the more I feel connected to Heavenly Father. Maybe Julia Cameron is right after all. It's just that something inside me burns when I'm calling cues and leading talk-back sessions. It's my heart telling me that I love what I'm doing.
Today was quite possibly the most random day of my life. Walking through Macy's with a can of purple paint. Going on a bus with my roommate and her expired transfer with a table, pillows, clothes, light bulbs, fake flowers, shoes, and just about any other random thing you could hold in your hands...including a table. White trash for certain.
I also saw an old friend today. One that lives in LA and I haven't seen for awhile. It was odd. And we stood making awkward conversation.
"Sometimes when you dream, your dreams come true, And suddenly a day can be so amazing."
Today was opening night for Little Women. If you know me, you may also know that I'm a little crazy...literally. I've seen counselors for awhile. One thing I could never overcome is the hybridity of religion and art in my life. I have a strong testimony of the LDS religion, but my artsy and creative side wants me to constantly rebel and do things that maybe I shouldn't. I've felt that these two parts of my personality can never find a meeting ground. But today they did. As I was calling the hundreds of cues in this pretty intense show, I realized that this experience was the answer to my question many months ago. It wasn't really a prayer, but I did ask it in my heart. For the last few months, I've been working tirelessly on this show. I've had the chance to work with a great director. And she is the answer to my prayers. Through this experience, she taught me that art and religion do go together. They fit. Somehow. It's still a question that I will ponder over for years to come, but at least Laurie has given me some sort of path to follow in that regards. I can make those two worlds blend. And the more I do art, the more I feel connected to Heavenly Father. Maybe Julia Cameron is right after all. It's just that something inside me burns when I'm calling cues and leading talk-back sessions. It's my heart telling me that I love what I'm doing.
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